Yellow Scarf Seeks #hotpinkshorts: A Covid-19 Love Story
This week I stumbled across a post on NextDoor that caught my attention. For those of you who are not familiar with Nextdoor it is a website described as “a neighborhood hub for trusted connections and the exchange of helpful information, goods, and services.” The post was tagged under the “Lost and Found” section and read as follows:
“I know this might seem odd, but not really if you think about “missed connections”. I’ve been going to Heritage Park consistently since shelter-in-place from 5-6. Only this week, I’ve noticed a really handsome gentleman working out. Today, he was wearing hot pink shorts and jogging. Idk if you’re single - but I was the girl on the bench reading the book, earing a yellow scarf, half pretending not to look at your shirtless body. ☺️”
This post was a welcome break from some of the recent NextDoor posts of late involving neighbors unhappy about those not abiding by the shelter-in-place order, debates about whether the Covid-19 antibody tests are reliable or not, and the usual slightly stressful musings on crime, privilege, dog poop, and water bills.
28 neighborhoods (comprised of 20,985 individuals) came together to collectively search, support, uplift, tease, and hope for Yellow Scarf and #hotpinkshorts to be united. Some neighbors took the opportunity to post their own recent missed connections, a few enjoyed light banter about single men stocking up on hot pink shorts, while many took a few minutes to appreciate the writer for her courage and to comment on the much needed “break” from all of the recent riff-raff going on in the world. Yellow Scarf and #hotpinkshorts became a symbol of hope, dreams, possibilities, lust, longing, and love.
As a psychologist, sex therapist, and couple’s counselor I have an intimate window into relationships during the Covid-19 crisis. I hear daily stories in my practice of individuals struggling to manage their own mental health challenges (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression) while trying to work from home, school their children, foster their friendships across a digital divide, make sure parents are abiding by the shelter-in-place (I am talking about you dad!), all the while attempting to remain connected to their partners.
For those who are dating, never has the digital world been more important. First dates are being held by video conference, followed by complicated questions of whether follow-up dates should be in person or not (will a socially distancing walk protect grandma?). And intimacy, sex, and dating during these Covid times? Well, sex is really breaking the rules if it happening IRL so many are finding ways to be creative (thank gosh for teledonics!).
For those in longterm relationships, times of extreme stress and disruption can further reveal preexisting cracks. Whenever there is an existential crisis such as a pandemic, terrorist attack, or war, couples will make important choices about breaking up, getting married, and having babies. Crisis often push people to make big life decisions as it quickly changes and shifts our perception of what matters most. And while some relationships are breaking under the pressure, others seem to be deepening in connection and commitment. Many couples are finding that their couple bubble (an “ecosystem” for a relationship where the needs of the relationship are prioritized and maintained) is helping nourish the relationship and providing a buffer against external stressors.
How is the pandemic affecting our sex lives in long-term relationships? Many thought this time would provide more opportunity for intimacy. But, for some, not a lot of sex seems to be happening right now. The very thing that many of us look for in relationships and is much needed in these uncertain times; stability, reliability, familiarity, safety, comfort, and a sense of home, is also the thing that ultimately leads to a decline in desire. Desire flourishes in an environment based on novelty, mystery, adventure, and yearning. And let’s be honest, longing is difficult when you are sheltered-in-place 24-7 with your partner. Not to mention that stress is the #1 killer of desire.
As the reality of the next year or two comes into focus, many are seeing this time as an opportunity to return to the fundamentals, such as increasing self-compassion and enhancing self-care, while also deepening their intimate and romantic relationships. This can be a time to turn crisis into opportunity.
A Few Tips for Increasing Intimacy In Close Quarters:
1) Date night: Traditional date nights have become inaccessible. We can no longer hire a babysitter, go out for dinner, and catch a show. Despite the challenges associated with social distancing date nights are important and there are clever and creative ways to slip them in. Set aside 30-90 minutes at least one day a week and meet up in the backyard. Dress in your finest (if you wish), have a drink together, slow dance, play charades. Try and keep the conversation light, humorous, and optimistic; this should be a time to step away from the stress of Covid and reconnect with your partner.
2) Time alone: Make sure that you have time alone to recharge your batteries. It turns out that the time you used to spend on your commute or at the gym was actually really important for your mental health and your relationship. Remember when we used to fly in airplanes? The flight safety demonstration often included the instruction, “Be sure to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.” This is true on the ground as well; we need to nurture ourselves before we have anything to give others. Time apart is also important for intimacy and desire ("distance makes the heart grown fonder").
3) Keep the big picture in mind. Recognize that this is not a normal time and if things don't feel right is is because they are not.This season of life will pass but your relationship will (hopefully!) not. Accept that you may not always be the best version of yourself right now. You both may be more irritable than usual or feel depressed. You may find yourself less interested in sex or physical connection. Have compassion for both yourself and your partner and remember that you are both trying your best. Make sure you let your partner know how much they mean to you with words of affirmation: "This is a stressful time for both of us. I am glad that you are here with me. You are important to me and I love you."
Does this neighborhood fairy tale have a happy ending? Several days after the original post, Yellow Scarf finally connected and exchanged numbers with #hotpinkshorts. A follow-up post was written thanking the community for its support and a flurry of excited replies from neighbors quickly followed (“Please invite us all to the wedding. No pressure. Lol.”). Upon reading this update, I shouted “YES!” and excitedly showed the picture of Yellow Scarf and #hotpinkshorts mugging for the camera to my partner. He gave the picture a quick glance and commented, “They don’t look like they are practicing social distancing.” Groan.
Other Blog Posts:
Sexless in Silicon Valley: How technology can interfere with intimacy
To learn more about my practice: www.drpomeranz.com